Mike Drabble

Tag: negative thoughts

  • Finding Your Way Through the Fog: Dealing with Depression in Counselling

    If you’re reading this, chances are that life feels heavy right now. Perhaps it feels like you’re wading through treacle, or that the colour has drained from your world, leaving everything in shades of grey. You might feel exhausted just from the effort of getting through the day. This is the reality of depression for so many people, and I want you to know, right from the start, that you are not alone in this, and you are not broken.

    My name is Mike, and as an integrative counsellor I have sat with many individuals who have felt this way. I have seen first-hand the courage it takes to even search for an article like this one. That search is a sign of hope, and hope is the first glimmer of light in the fog.

    What is Depression, Really?

    We use the word “depressed” quite casually in conversation, but the clinical experience of depression is something much more profound and persistent. It’s not just sadness. It can be a persistent numbness, a complete loss of interest in things you used to love, or a constant, nagging irritability that you can’t seem to shake.

    It often comes with a harsh inner critic – a voice in your head that tells you you’re not good enough, that you’re a burden, or that you’ve failed. It can disrupt your sleep, steal your appetite (or make you eat compulsively), and drain every last drop of your energy. It can make you feel utterly isolated, even when you’re surrounded by people who care.

    Depression is not a choice or a sign of weakness. It is a complex response to a combination of life events, biological factors, and personal history. It is a very human experience, and like any other health issue, it deserves to be treated with care, compassion, and professional support.

    How Can Counselling Help?

    Talking to friends and family can be a wonderful support, but sometimes it isn’t enough. They may love you deeply, but they are part of your life and can find it difficult to remain objective. They might rush to offer solutions, telling you to “cheer up” or “snap out of it,” which, as you know, isn’t helpful.

    Counselling offers something different: a unique, confidential space that is entirely yours. It’s a dedicated time each week, just for you, to speak openly and honestly without fear of judgment, expectation, or of burdening someone. It’s a place to be truly heard.

    In our sessions, we don’t just talk about the symptoms of depression; we get curious about its roots. What is your depression trying to tell you? Where did that harsh inner critic come from? What past experiences or unresolved feelings might be fuelling this exhaustion? By gently exploring these questions together, we can begin to understand your depression not as a random illness, but as a meaningful response to your life’s circumstances. This understanding is the first step towards lasting change.

    How Counselling With Me Can Help

    As an integrative counsellor, I don’t believe in a ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach. You are a unique individual, and our work together will be tailored specifically to you. I draw on different therapeutic ideas to help you find what works best.

    One of the approaches I find particularly helpful is known as Transactional Analysis, but you don’t need to worry about the jargon. In simple terms, it helps us look at the different ‘parts’ that make up our personality.

    For example, we all have a part that is like a nurturing or critical Parent, repeating messages we absorbed in childhood. When we’re depressed, that critical parent voice is often working overtime. We also have an emotional Child part, which holds our feelings, our creativity, and our past hurts. Depression can feel like this part of us is sad, scared, or has simply given up. Finally, we have a rational, here-and-now Adult part, which can observe the other two and make conscious choices.

    Our work together would involve strengthening your Adult self, so you can soothe your hurting inner Child and challenge that unhelpful inner Parent. We can begin to change that internal dialogue from one of self-criticism to one of self-compassion.

    We might also explore the ‘life stories’ we unconsciously write for ourselves. Sometimes, based on early experiences, we create a story that says, “I’m not worthy of happiness,” or “Things will always go wrong for me.” We then live out this story, repeating patterns without realising it. Counselling can help you become aware of your story and empower you to start writing a new, more hopeful chapter.

    Ultimately, the foundation of our work is the relationship we build together – one based on trust, respect, and empathy. My role isn’t to give you advice or fix you, because you are not broken. My role is to walk alongside you in the fog, holding a lantern, while you rediscover your own strength and find your own way out.

    Does This Sound Like You?

    If you’ve been reading this and nodding along, feeling that sense of recognition, then perhaps it’s time to take the next step. I know it can feel daunting, especially when your energy is low. But making that first contact is a powerful act of kindness to yourself.

    If you’re ready to see how I can help you navigate your way through depression and find more colour in your world again, please get in touch for a no-obligation initial chat.

    I look forward to hearing from you.

  • Finding Your Way Back to Yourself: Why a Human Therapist Offers Something AI Can’t

    As an experienced integrative counsellor, I’ve seen countless individuals navigate the complex landscape of their inner worlds. In recent years, a new factor has emerged in this landscape: the rise of Artificial Intelligence (AI) tools like ChatGPT and Gemini. It’s understandable why so many people are turning to these digital companions for support with their mental health. They’re readily available at any time of day or night, offer anonymity, and can provide a seemingly endless stream of information and responses without the need for appointments or financial commitment.

    For some, these AIs can be a helpful starting point. Perhaps you’re feeling a bit lost and unsure where to begin with your mental health. An AI might offer simple coping strategies, provide information on different conditions, or even help you brainstorm ways to manage daily stressors. It can be a low-pressure way to explore some initial thoughts and feelings, and for some, it might offer a sense of companionship when feeling isolated. It’s like having a well-stocked library at your fingertips, offering definitions and general advice on a wide range of topics.

    When AI Falls Short: The Limits of a Digital Companion

    However, while AI can offer quick answers, it’s crucial to understand that it simply cannot replicate the profound and transformative experience of working with a human therapist. In fact, relying solely on an AI for significant mental health support can be deeply problematic, sometimes even reinforcing unhelpful patterns rather than offering the genuine challenge and growth needed for lasting change.

    Think about it this way: AI is designed to process information and generate responses based on patterns in the data it has been trained on. It doesn’t feel or understand in the way a human does. It can mimic empathy, but it doesn’t experience it. This means that while an AI might reflect your words back to you, or offer what seems like a supportive statement, it lacks the true depth of human connection and intuition that is essential for real therapeutic work.

    From a therapeutic perspective, this can be particularly concerning. One of the core tenets of Transactional Analysis, a powerful approach I often use, is the idea of “ego states” – our internal “Parent,” “Adult,” and “Child” ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. When we’re struggling, we might find ourselves stuck in unhelpful “Child” patterns, perhaps feeling helpless, rebellious, or seeking constant approval. An AI, in its eagerness to be “helpful” and non-confrontational, might inadvertently reinforce these unhelpful “Child” responses, rather than gently guiding you towards your more resourceful “Adult” state, where you can think clearly and make independent choices. It can’t truly challenge your “scripts” – the unconscious life plans we develop in childhood that often dictate our reactions and relationships. It doesn’t understand the subtle, nuanced ways these scripts play out in your daily interactions, nor can it help you consciously “redecide” on a new, healthier path.

    AI also cannot truly “see” beyond the words you type. It misses the shifts in your tone of voice, the subtle body language that speaks volumes, the unsaid emotions simmering beneath the surface. It can’t pick up on the patterns in your relationships with others, or the ways you might be unconsciously repeating past experiences in your present life. Without this holistic understanding, it can’t offer the genuine, tailored support needed to truly unravel complex issues. In some deeply worrying cases, individuals have reported becoming overly dependent on AI chatbots, or even experiencing heightened distress when the AI cannot truly grasp the depth of their struggles. An algorithm simply cannot offer a safety net or a true crisis response in the way a human professional can.

    The Unparalleled Benefits of a Human Therapist

    This is where the transformative power of a human therapist truly shines. A human therapist offers something an AI never can: a genuine, empathic, and dynamic relationship. It’s through this unique relationship that deep and lasting change becomes possible.

    Here are just a few of the profound benefits of working with a human therapist:

    • Real Connection and Empathy: We are wired for connection. In a therapeutic relationship, you experience true empathy – the feeling of being deeply understood, not just on an intellectual level, but emotionally. This profound sense of being “seen” and “heard” by another human being is incredibly healing. It creates a safe space where you can truly be yourself, without fear of judgment.
    • Holding a Safe Space for Vulnerability: Sometimes, the most important work happens in the silences, in the moments of hesitation, or when words are simply not enough. A human therapist can sit with you in those difficult moments, offering a reassuring presence and allowing you the space to process uncomfortable emotions at your own pace. This “holding” is something an AI cannot do.
    • Navigating Complex Emotions and Patterns: Our lives are intricate tapestries of experiences, relationships, and ingrained patterns. A human therapist has the training and lived experience to help you untangle these complexities. We can pick up on subtle cues, identify recurring themes, and gently challenge unhelpful thoughts and behaviours in a way that an AI, limited by its programming, cannot. We can help you explore your “Adult” ego state, encouraging rational thought and empowering you to make conscious choices, rather than being driven by old “Child” patterns or critical “Parent” messages.
    • Tailored and Responsive Support: As an integrative counsellor, my approach is not a one-size-fits-all solution. I draw upon a range of proven therapeutic models, including Transactional Analysis, to create a unique approach that fits you. If one way of working isn’t quite resonating, I can adapt and adjust. This responsiveness is vital because your journey is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. An AI provides pre-programmed responses; a human therapist provides bespoke care.
    • Facilitating Lasting Change, Not Just Quick Fixes: Real therapeutic change isn’t about getting a quick answer; it’s about understanding the roots of your difficulties and developing new ways of being in the world. It’s about challenging those old “scripts” and “redeciding” how you want to live. This often involves uncomfortable realisations and difficult emotional processing, which a human therapist is trained and equipped to guide you through safely. We’re not just offering information; we’re guiding a process of profound personal growth.
    • Accountability and Consistency: Committing to regular sessions with a human therapist provides a crucial element of accountability. Knowing you have a dedicated time and space to explore your challenges can encourage you to engage more deeply with the process, fostering consistency that is often lacking when interacting with an on-demand AI.

    My Approach as an Integrative Counsellor with Transactional Analysis

    As an integrative counsellor, I believe that every person is unique, and therefore, their therapeutic journey should be too. My primary approach is rooted in Transactional Analysis (TA), which offers a remarkably accessible and powerful framework for understanding ourselves and our relationships.

    With TA, we can explore:

    • Your “Ego States”: We’ll look at the different parts of your personality – your “Parent” (our internalised messages from authority figures), your “Adult” (your logical, problem-solving self in the present moment), and your “Child” (your feelings, impulses, and creative self from childhood). Understanding which ego state you’re operating from in different situations can bring immense clarity to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, especially in your relationships.
    • Your “Transactions”: We’ll examine your patterns of communication and interaction with others. Are your conversations “complementary” and flowing, or do they often become “crossed” and lead to misunderstandings? Are there “ulterior” motives at play? By understanding these “transactions,” we can uncover why certain interactions feel difficult and develop healthier ways of relating.
    • Your “Life Script”: Many of us unknowingly live out a “life script” – an unconscious plan formed in childhood that influences our decisions, relationships, and even our destiny. By exploring your script, we can identify unhelpful patterns and “redecide” to create a more fulfilling life for yourself. This is where real empowerment begins.

    By integrating TA with other therapeutic approaches, I can tailor our work to your specific needs, whether you’re grappling with anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, past trauma, or simply a feeling of being stuck. My aim is to offer a warm, non-judgemental space where you feel truly heard and understood. Together, we will work collaboratively, empowering you to gain insight, challenge old patterns, and ultimately, find your way back to a more authentic and fulfilling version of yourself.

    Does This Sound Like You?

    If you’ve been considering support for your mental well-being, and the idea of a genuine, human connection in a safe and supportive space resonates with you, then I encourage you to reach out. Perhaps you’ve tried AI and found it lacking, or you simply know, deep down, that you need something more profound.

    True change and self-discovery blossom in the fertile ground of a trusting human relationship. I’m here to walk alongside you on that journey.

    Please don’t hesitate to get in touch to see how I can help.

  • So, You’ve Graduated. Why Does What Comes Next Feel So Overwhelming?

    First of all, congratulations. Finishing a university degree is a monumental achievement. It represents years of hard work, dedication, late nights, and profound personal growth. You have every right to feel proud. The ceremonies, the photos, the celebrations with friends and family – these are moments to be cherished.

    And yet, for many recent graduates I speak to, once the confetti settles, a very different set of feelings can begin to creep in: anxiety, a sense of being lost, and a creeping dread about the future. If you’re feeling this way, I want you to know two things: you are not alone, and it makes perfect sense. Graduating from university in the mid-2020s is a uniquely challenging experience.

    As an integrative counsellor, my job is to help people make sense of their inner world, especially during times of difficult transition. The journey from graduate to… well, to whatever comes next, is one of the most significant transitions you will ever face. Let’s explore some of the reasons why it can feel so tough.

    The Shifting Sands of the Graduate Job Market

    Let’s start with the obvious. The world you’ve graduated into is not the one you were promised when you first applied to university. The UK economy has been sluggish, and many traditional graduate pathways have narrowed. We’re also in the midst of a technological revolution. Companies are increasingly using AI and automation for tasks that were once stepping-stones for bright graduates.

    The result is a hyper-competitive job market where it can feel like you’re sending hundreds of carefully crafted applications into a black hole, only to be met with automated rejections, or worse, silence. This process is more than just frustrating; it can be deeply corrosive to your sense of self-worth. After years of being validated by grades and academic success, the world of work can feel like it’s screaming that you’re not good enough. It’s incredibly difficult not to internalise that message, even when you know, logically, that it’s about the market, not about you.

    The Final Page of the Script

    For as long as you can remember, your life has probably followed a clear script. Go to primary school, then secondary school. Do your GCSEs, then your A-Levels. Go to university, work hard, get your degree. This script provides structure, a clear sense of direction, and a defined purpose. Each step has a goal, and achieving it unlocks the next stage.

    Then, you graduate. The script ends. The final page is turned, and you look up, waiting for the next volume to be handed to you, only to find there isn’t one. You are now the author, and you’re staring at a blank page.

    This sudden loss of structure and externally-defined purpose can be terrifying. It can trigger a profound identity crisis. If you’re not a student anymore, who are you? If your purpose is no longer to get a 2:1, what is your purpose now? This void of meaning is a huge part of the post-graduation struggle. Life, which was once a clear path, can suddenly feel like an open, empty, and intimidating field with no signposts.

    The Unravelling of Your World

    University isn’t just about education; it’s about building a life. You created a world for yourself, often in a new city. You found your people, formed intense friendships, and built a support network that understood your daily reality. You had independence, a social life, and a shared identity as students.

    For many, graduation means this world is dismantled almost overnight. Friends scatter across the country, or even the world, in search of work. The shared houses are emptied. And often, the only financially viable option is to move back into your family home.

    Moving back home can bring its own unique set of challenges. In Transactional Analysis, we talk about the different parts of our personality: the logical ‘Adult’, the feeling ‘Child’, and the rule-based ‘Parent’. At university, you likely spent most of your time operating from your capable, independent ‘Adult’ self.

    However, returning to your childhood bedroom can feel like stepping into a time machine. Without anyone meaning for it to happen, old family dynamics can click back into place. Your parents might unintentionally slip into treating you like a teenager again (the ‘Parent’ role), and you might find yourself reacting with frustration or defiance (the ‘Child’ role), even when you want to respond as the capable adult you’ve become. This regression can feel confusing and disempowering, chipping away at the very independence you’ve worked so hard to build. You lose not only your friends but also, sometimes, your sense of yourself as a competent grown-up.

    How Counselling Can Be Your Compass

    If any of this is resonating with you, please know that support is available. It’s at times like this, when the old maps are useless and you need to draw a new one, that counselling can be an invaluable compass.

    It provides a confidential, non-judgemental space that is entirely yours. It’s a dedicated hour each week to untangle the muddle of thoughts and feelings – the disappointment, the fear, the pressure from family, the loss of identity. Together, we can make sense of what’s happening, both externally in the world and internally for you.

    • Writing Your Next Chapter: We can work together to explore what you truly want, away from the expectations of family and society. By understanding your values, strengths, and passions, you can begin to write the next chapter of your life script with intention and confidence, rather than feeling adrift.
    • Finding Your ‘Adult’ Self Again: We can look at the dynamics that might be playing out at home. Counselling can help you find and strengthen your ‘Adult’ voice, enabling you to communicate your needs more effectively with your parents and navigate this tricky phase with more harmony and less conflict.
    • Building Resilience: We can process the pain of job rejection and work on separating your self-worth from your employment status. This is crucial for building the resilience you need to navigate the current climate without it breaking your spirit.

    I understand that finances are a major concern for recent graduates. For many, a longer-term piece of work is incredibly beneficial for deep exploration. However, for graduates that don’t have access to financial support from parents and the like, a shorter, more focused block of counselling (perhaps 6-12 sessions) can be very effective. It can be just the thing to help you process the shock of transition, regain your footing, and ‘turn the corner’ towards a more hopeful future.

    To help make this support more accessible, I offer a discount for recent graduates. This is available to anyone who has graduated within the last two years and has not yet found stable employment in their chosen field.

    Does this sound like you? Are you feeling lost, overwhelmed, and unsure of what to do next? You don’t have to navigate this alone. Taking the first step to ask for help is an act of strength.

    If you would like to explore how we could work together, please get in touch for a free, no-obligation introductory chat using the link below.

    Contact Me

  • Feeling Overwhelmed? You’re Not Alone, and There Is a Way Through.

    It often starts subtly. A nagging feeling that you’re running a race you can’t win. The to-do list that never seems to shrink, but instead multiplies overnight. The constant hum of pressure in the background of your mind. Then, one day, you wake up and it’s no longer a hum; it’s a roar. You feel submerged, as though you’re treading water with no land in sight, and every small task feels like a ten-tonne weight.

    This is the feeling of being overwhelmed. It’s more than just being busy or stressed; it’s a pervasive sense of ‘too much’ that can colour your entire world in shades of grey. If this sounds familiar, I want you to take a slow, deep breath and know one thing for certain: you are not failing, and you are not alone. As an integrative counsellor with many years of experience, I have sat with countless individuals who have described this very feeling. It’s a deeply human response to the pressures of modern life, and it’s a sign that something needs to change.

    This article is for you. It’s an invitation to understand what’s happening when you feel this way, to see how it might be affecting you, and to discover that there is a path back to feeling capable, calm, and in control. This is a space for you to feel seen.

    The Domino Effect: How Overwhelm Impacts Your Life

    When we’re chronically overwhelmed, it’s like trying to run our entire operating system with too many tabs open. Eventually, the whole system starts to slow down, glitch, and crash. This isn’t just a feeling; it has real and tangible effects on almost every aspect of our lives.

    Your Mental and Emotional World

    First and foremost, your emotional wellbeing takes a significant hit. Constant overwhelm is a breeding ground for anxiety. You might find yourself caught in loops of ‘what if?’ thinking, catastrophising about dropping one of the many balls you’re juggling. Your mood can plummet, not necessarily into a deep depression, but into a persistent state of flatness where joy and pleasure feel distant. Irritability is another common companion; you might find yourself snapping at your partner or feeling impatient with your children, which only adds a layer of guilt to the already heavy load. A profound sense of failure or inadequacy can set in, leaving you wondering how everyone else seems to be coping when you’re struggling so much.

    Your Physical Health

    Our minds and bodies are not separate entities; they are in constant conversation. When your mind is screaming ‘too much!’, your body listens. The stress hormone cortisol can flood your system, keeping you in a state of high alert. This can make sleep feel impossible – you might lie awake for hours with a racing mind, or wake up repeatedly throughout the night, only to feel utterly exhausted when the alarm clock rings. This exhaustion isn’t just tiredness; it’s a bone-deep weariness that no amount of coffee can fix. You may also notice physical symptoms like tension headaches, a clenched jaw, digestive problems, or a weakened immune system that leaves you susceptible to every cold going around. This is your body telling you it’s had enough.

    Your Relationships and Social Life

    When you’re overwhelmed, your capacity for connection shrinks. It takes energy to be present with loved ones, to listen, to engage, to be patient. When that energy is already depleted, you might find yourself withdrawing. You might cancel plans with friends because the thought of socialising feels like another demand. At home, you may feel disconnected from your partner, leading to misunderstandings and arguments. You’re physically present, but your mind is a million miles away, scrolling through that endless to-do list. This withdrawal can create a painful cycle: the less you connect, the more isolated you feel, and the more overwhelming everything becomes.

    Your Work and Daily Functioning

    At work, the very place that might be contributing to your stress, your performance can suffer. Your ability to focus and concentrate evaporates. You might read the same email five times and still not take it in. Procrastination becomes a key coping strategy – the tasks feel so monumental that you can’t even begin. This often leads to working longer hours to catch up, which only fuels the cycle of exhaustion and overwhelm. The things you used to enjoy, whether a hobby or simply reading a book, can start to feel like chores you don’t have the energy for.

    Untangling the Knots: What Causes This Feeling of Overwhelm?

    So, why does this happen? Often, it’s not one single thing but a gradual accumulation. I like to think of it as a ‘life bucket’. Throughout our lives, this bucket gets filled with various stressors.

    Some are big, obvious things: a bereavement, a divorce, moving house, losing a job, or a serious illness. These are like large stones dropped into the bucket, causing the water level to rise dramatically. Then there are the medium-sized, ongoing pressures: a demanding job, financial worries, caring for children or elderly parents, navigating a difficult relationship. These are the pebbles that steadily fill the space. Finally, there are the daily hassles: the commute, the household chores, the constant stream of emails and notifications. This is the sand that fills in all the gaps, until one day, a single extra grain is enough to make the bucket overflow.

    However, the size of our bucket and how we manage what’s in it is also shaped by our personal history and the unwritten rules we live by. This is something we often explore in counselling, and it’s a key idea from a therapeutic approach called Transactional Analysis. In simple terms, from a very young age, we receive messages from our family, our teachers, and society about how we ‘should’ be. We internalise these messages and they become powerful, unconscious ‘drivers’ of our behaviour.

    Do any of these sound familiar?

    • The ‘Be Perfect’ Driver: This is the inner voice that tells you anything less than 100% is a failure. You feel you must have the perfect career, the perfect home, be the perfect parent, and look perfect while doing it all. The pressure to maintain this impossible standard is a direct route to burnout.
    • The ‘Please Others’ Driver: This voice insists that your needs come last. You find it incredibly difficult to say ‘no’ because you don’t want to let anyone down. You end up taking on everyone else’s problems and responsibilities, leaving no room for your own.
    • The ‘Be Strong’ Driver: This is the belief that you must handle everything yourself and that showing vulnerability or asking for help is a sign of weakness. You bottle up your feelings and soldier on, even when you are crumbling on the inside.
    • The ‘Hurry Up’ Driver: This creates a constant sense of urgency. You feel you should always be busy, always be productive. You rush from one task to the next, never allowing yourself a moment to rest and recharge. Downtime feels lazy and unproductive.
    • The ‘Try Hard’ Driver: This voice values effort above all else. You believe that if you just try a little bit harder, you’ll finally get on top of things. The problem is, the finish line keeps moving, and you just end up exhausted from the sheer effort of trying.

    These internal drivers aren’t inherently bad – they can motivate us to achieve great things. But when they are too rigid and too dominant, they become a recipe for chronic overwhelm. They force us to keep filling our bucket while preventing us from ever taking anything out or simply putting the bucket down for a rest.

    How I Can Help: Finding a Path Back to Yourself

    If you’re reading this and nodding along, please know that you do not have to untangle these knots on your own. Counselling offers a unique space to do this work, and my role as an integrative counsellor is to be your guide and collaborator on that journey. ‘Integrative’ simply means that I draw on a range of therapeutic ideas and techniques, including Transactional Analysis, to create an approach that is tailored specifically to you.

    1. A Space to Breathe First and foremost, the counselling room is a confidential and non-judgmental space where you can finally stop. You can put down the heavy bucket. You can speak honestly about how you’re feeling without any fear of being judged or being told to ‘just get on with it’. For many, this simple act of being truly heard is the first, crucial step towards relief.

    2. Connecting the Dots Together My approach is not about me giving you advice or telling you what to do. It’s about working together to understand your unique experience. We’ll look at what’s in your ‘life bucket’ right now, but we’ll also gently explore where some of those internal ‘rules’ or drivers came from. By understanding the ‘why’ behind your feelings of overwhelm, we can begin to loosen their grip. We make the unconscious conscious, which gives you the power of choice.

    3. Gently Re-writing the Rules Once we’ve identified some of your powerful drivers – that ‘Be Perfect’ or ‘Be Strong’ voice – we can start to question them. Is this rule still serving you? Is it realistic? Is it kind? We can then work on developing new, more compassionate and flexible permissions. For example, giving yourself permission to be ‘good enough’ instead of perfect. Permission to rest. Permission to say ‘no’. Permission to ask for help. This is where real, lasting change happens. You learn to become your own supportive inner coach, rather than your own harshest critic.

    4. Building Your Personal Toolkit Counselling is not just about insight; it’s also about practical change. We will work together to build a toolkit of strategies that work for you. This might include:

    • Learning to set healthy boundaries: Saying ‘no’ clearly and kindly, protecting your time and energy.
    • Developing self-compassion: Learning to treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend.
    • Finding effective coping strategies: Discovering what truly helps you to de-stress and recharge, whether that’s mindfulness, exercise, creative pursuits, or simply scheduling unscheduled time into your diary.
    • Communicating your needs: Learning how to ask for what you need from the people in your life, whether at home or at work.

    The goal is not to create a life free of stress – that’s impossible. The goal is to build your resilience and self-awareness so that you feel equipped to navigate life’s challenges without becoming submerged by them. It’s about learning how to manage your bucket so that it rarely, if ever, overflows.

    Does This Sound Like You?

    Are you tired of feeling like you’re constantly running on empty? Do you recognise yourself in the descriptions of the ‘Be Perfect’ or ‘Be Strong’ drivers? Do you long for a sense of calm and a feeling of being in control of your own life again?

    If so, please know that you’ve already taken the first step by reading this and acknowledging how you feel. The next step is reaching out. You don’t have to continue carrying this weight alone. Change is possible, and I am here to help you find your way through. If this article has resonated with you, please get in touch to see how I can help.

  • That Inner Critic: Why Negative Thoughts Can Feel Like a Record Stuck on Repeat

    We all have moments of self-doubt. A fleeting thought that we’re not quite good enough, that we’ve made a mess of things, or that something dreadful is just around the corner. But for some of us, these aren’t just fleeting moments. They become a constant, unwelcome soundtrack to our lives – a habitual pattern of negative thinking that can leave us feeling stuck, anxious, and utterly exhausted.

    As an integrative counsellor with many years of experience sitting with people from all walks of life, I’ve seen time and again the profound and often hidden impact of these negative thought processes. They can be a heavy burden to carry, colouring our world in shades of grey and holding us back from living the life we truly want. If you’re reading this, perhaps that feeling is all too familiar.

    What Are These Negative Habitual Thought Processes?

    Imagine your mind is like a well-trodden path in a forest. The more you walk down a particular path, the wider and more defined it becomes. Negative habitual thought processes are much the same. They are patterns of thinking that we’ve repeated so often they’ve become automatic. We often don’t even realise we’re doing it.

    These thought patterns can be about ourselves (“I’m unlovable,” “I’m a failure”), about the world (“It’s a dangerous place,” “Nothing ever works out for me”), or about the future (“I’ll never be happy,” “Something terrible is going to happen”).

    In the world of therapy, we have different ways of understanding how these patterns develop. One useful approach is Transactional Analysis, which, in simple terms, suggests that we have different parts to our personality. Sometimes, we might find ourselves in what we could call a ‘Critical Parent’ mode. This isn’t about your actual parents, but an internalised voice that echoes critical messages you may have picked up throughout your life. It’s the part of you that says, “You should have done better,” or “You’re not trying hard enough.”

    Equally, we can get stuck in a ‘Wounded Child’ part of ourselves, feeling small, helpless, and overwhelmed by the world, just as we might have done as a youngster. When these parts of us are running the show, it’s no wonder our thoughts can become so persistently negative.

    How Can They Affect Us?

    Living with a constant barrage of negative thoughts is like trying to swim against a strong current. It’s draining and can affect every area of our lives.

    • Our emotional wellbeing: Persistent negative thinking is a cornerstone of conditions like anxiety and depression. It can leave us feeling persistently sad, irritable, worried, or numb.
    • Our relationships: If we constantly believe we are unworthy or unlikeable, it can be difficult to form and maintain healthy, trusting relationships. We might push people away or tolerate behaviour we shouldn’t because, deep down, we don’t feel we deserve better.
    • Our physical health: The mind and body are intrinsically linked. The chronic stress that comes with negative thought patterns can manifest in physical symptoms like fatigue, headaches, digestive issues, and a weakened immune system.
    • Our ability to thrive: When our inner world is dominated by negativity, it’s hard to find the motivation and confidence to pursue our goals, try new things, or simply enjoy the present moment.

    How Can We Recognise If We’re Being Affected?

    Sometimes, these thought patterns are so ingrained that we mistake them for the truth. We might think, “Well, that’s just the way I am.” But they are not you; they are patterns you have learned. Recognising them is the first, crucial step towards change. Here are a few things to look out for:

    • All-or-Nothing Thinking: Do you see things in black and white? If you’re not a complete success, are you a total failure? This is a common cognitive distortion that leaves no room for nuance or for being human.
    • Catastrophising: Do you find your mind immediately jumping to the worst-case scenario? A small mistake at work becomes “I’m going to get fired,” or a missed call from a loved one sparks fears of a terrible accident.
    • Personalisation: Do you automatically blame yourself for things that are completely out of your control? If a friend is in a bad mood, do you instantly assume it’s your fault?
    • The ‘Should’ Statements: Is your inner monologue full of “I should be doing this,” “I shouldn’t have done that,” or “I must be perfect”? These rigid rules we set for ourselves can be a huge source of guilt and self-criticism.
    • Filtering out the Positive: Do you have a tendency to focus on the one negative comment in a sea of positive feedback? This mental filter can skew your perception of reality, making things seem much more negative than they actually are.

    Does this sound like you? If you’re reading this and nodding along, please know that you are not alone, and that things can change. Taking the step to seek counselling can feel daunting, but it is a courageous act of self-care. It’s about giving yourself the space to understand these patterns, to explore where they came from, and to begin, gently, to challenge them.

    As an integrative counsellor, I draw on a range of therapeutic approaches tailored to you as an individual. We can work together to quieten that inner critic, to heal those wounded parts of yourself, and to create new, more compassionate, and realistic ways of thinking. It’s not about erasing your past, but about ensuring it no longer dictates your present and your future. If you feel now is the time to start this journey, I invite you to get in touch. We can arrange a confidential, no-obligation consultation to see how I can help.