It often starts subtly. A nagging feeling that you’re running a race you can’t win. The to-do list that never seems to shrink, but instead multiplies overnight. The constant hum of pressure in the background of your mind. Then, one day, you wake up and it’s no longer a hum; it’s a roar. You feel submerged, as though you’re treading water with no land in sight, and every small task feels like a ten-tonne weight.
This is the feeling of being overwhelmed. It’s more than just being busy or stressed; it’s a pervasive sense of ‘too much’ that can colour your entire world in shades of grey. If this sounds familiar, I want you to take a slow, deep breath and know one thing for certain: you are not failing, and you are not alone. As an integrative counsellor with many years of experience, I have sat with countless individuals who have described this very feeling. It’s a deeply human response to the pressures of modern life, and it’s a sign that something needs to change.
This article is for you. It’s an invitation to understand what’s happening when you feel this way, to see how it might be affecting you, and to discover that there is a path back to feeling capable, calm, and in control. This is a space for you to feel seen.
The Domino Effect: How Overwhelm Impacts Your Life
When we’re chronically overwhelmed, it’s like trying to run our entire operating system with too many tabs open. Eventually, the whole system starts to slow down, glitch, and crash. This isn’t just a feeling; it has real and tangible effects on almost every aspect of our lives.
Your Mental and Emotional World
First and foremost, your emotional wellbeing takes a significant hit. Constant overwhelm is a breeding ground for anxiety. You might find yourself caught in loops of ‘what if?’ thinking, catastrophising about dropping one of the many balls you’re juggling. Your mood can plummet, not necessarily into a deep depression, but into a persistent state of flatness where joy and pleasure feel distant. Irritability is another common companion; you might find yourself snapping at your partner or feeling impatient with your children, which only adds a layer of guilt to the already heavy load. A profound sense of failure or inadequacy can set in, leaving you wondering how everyone else seems to be coping when you’re struggling so much.
Your Physical Health
Our minds and bodies are not separate entities; they are in constant conversation. When your mind is screaming ‘too much!’, your body listens. The stress hormone cortisol can flood your system, keeping you in a state of high alert. This can make sleep feel impossible – you might lie awake for hours with a racing mind, or wake up repeatedly throughout the night, only to feel utterly exhausted when the alarm clock rings. This exhaustion isn’t just tiredness; it’s a bone-deep weariness that no amount of coffee can fix. You may also notice physical symptoms like tension headaches, a clenched jaw, digestive problems, or a weakened immune system that leaves you susceptible to every cold going around. This is your body telling you it’s had enough.
Your Relationships and Social Life
When you’re overwhelmed, your capacity for connection shrinks. It takes energy to be present with loved ones, to listen, to engage, to be patient. When that energy is already depleted, you might find yourself withdrawing. You might cancel plans with friends because the thought of socialising feels like another demand. At home, you may feel disconnected from your partner, leading to misunderstandings and arguments. You’re physically present, but your mind is a million miles away, scrolling through that endless to-do list. This withdrawal can create a painful cycle: the less you connect, the more isolated you feel, and the more overwhelming everything becomes.
Your Work and Daily Functioning
At work, the very place that might be contributing to your stress, your performance can suffer. Your ability to focus and concentrate evaporates. You might read the same email five times and still not take it in. Procrastination becomes a key coping strategy – the tasks feel so monumental that you can’t even begin. This often leads to working longer hours to catch up, which only fuels the cycle of exhaustion and overwhelm. The things you used to enjoy, whether a hobby or simply reading a book, can start to feel like chores you don’t have the energy for.
Untangling the Knots: What Causes This Feeling of Overwhelm?
So, why does this happen? Often, it’s not one single thing but a gradual accumulation. I like to think of it as a ‘life bucket’. Throughout our lives, this bucket gets filled with various stressors.
Some are big, obvious things: a bereavement, a divorce, moving house, losing a job, or a serious illness. These are like large stones dropped into the bucket, causing the water level to rise dramatically. Then there are the medium-sized, ongoing pressures: a demanding job, financial worries, caring for children or elderly parents, navigating a difficult relationship. These are the pebbles that steadily fill the space. Finally, there are the daily hassles: the commute, the household chores, the constant stream of emails and notifications. This is the sand that fills in all the gaps, until one day, a single extra grain is enough to make the bucket overflow.
However, the size of our bucket and how we manage what’s in it is also shaped by our personal history and the unwritten rules we live by. This is something we often explore in counselling, and it’s a key idea from a therapeutic approach called Transactional Analysis. In simple terms, from a very young age, we receive messages from our family, our teachers, and society about how we ‘should’ be. We internalise these messages and they become powerful, unconscious ‘drivers’ of our behaviour.
Do any of these sound familiar?
- The ‘Be Perfect’ Driver: This is the inner voice that tells you anything less than 100% is a failure. You feel you must have the perfect career, the perfect home, be the perfect parent, and look perfect while doing it all. The pressure to maintain this impossible standard is a direct route to burnout.
- The ‘Please Others’ Driver: This voice insists that your needs come last. You find it incredibly difficult to say ‘no’ because you don’t want to let anyone down. You end up taking on everyone else’s problems and responsibilities, leaving no room for your own.
- The ‘Be Strong’ Driver: This is the belief that you must handle everything yourself and that showing vulnerability or asking for help is a sign of weakness. You bottle up your feelings and soldier on, even when you are crumbling on the inside.
- The ‘Hurry Up’ Driver: This creates a constant sense of urgency. You feel you should always be busy, always be productive. You rush from one task to the next, never allowing yourself a moment to rest and recharge. Downtime feels lazy and unproductive.
- The ‘Try Hard’ Driver: This voice values effort above all else. You believe that if you just try a little bit harder, you’ll finally get on top of things. The problem is, the finish line keeps moving, and you just end up exhausted from the sheer effort of trying.
These internal drivers aren’t inherently bad – they can motivate us to achieve great things. But when they are too rigid and too dominant, they become a recipe for chronic overwhelm. They force us to keep filling our bucket while preventing us from ever taking anything out or simply putting the bucket down for a rest.
How I Can Help: Finding a Path Back to Yourself
If you’re reading this and nodding along, please know that you do not have to untangle these knots on your own. Counselling offers a unique space to do this work, and my role as an integrative counsellor is to be your guide and collaborator on that journey. ‘Integrative’ simply means that I draw on a range of therapeutic ideas and techniques, including Transactional Analysis, to create an approach that is tailored specifically to you.
1. A Space to Breathe First and foremost, the counselling room is a confidential and non-judgmental space where you can finally stop. You can put down the heavy bucket. You can speak honestly about how you’re feeling without any fear of being judged or being told to ‘just get on with it’. For many, this simple act of being truly heard is the first, crucial step towards relief.
2. Connecting the Dots Together My approach is not about me giving you advice or telling you what to do. It’s about working together to understand your unique experience. We’ll look at what’s in your ‘life bucket’ right now, but we’ll also gently explore where some of those internal ‘rules’ or drivers came from. By understanding the ‘why’ behind your feelings of overwhelm, we can begin to loosen their grip. We make the unconscious conscious, which gives you the power of choice.
3. Gently Re-writing the Rules Once we’ve identified some of your powerful drivers – that ‘Be Perfect’ or ‘Be Strong’ voice – we can start to question them. Is this rule still serving you? Is it realistic? Is it kind? We can then work on developing new, more compassionate and flexible permissions. For example, giving yourself permission to be ‘good enough’ instead of perfect. Permission to rest. Permission to say ‘no’. Permission to ask for help. This is where real, lasting change happens. You learn to become your own supportive inner coach, rather than your own harshest critic.
4. Building Your Personal Toolkit Counselling is not just about insight; it’s also about practical change. We will work together to build a toolkit of strategies that work for you. This might include:
- Learning to set healthy boundaries: Saying ‘no’ clearly and kindly, protecting your time and energy.
- Developing self-compassion: Learning to treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend.
- Finding effective coping strategies: Discovering what truly helps you to de-stress and recharge, whether that’s mindfulness, exercise, creative pursuits, or simply scheduling unscheduled time into your diary.
- Communicating your needs: Learning how to ask for what you need from the people in your life, whether at home or at work.
The goal is not to create a life free of stress – that’s impossible. The goal is to build your resilience and self-awareness so that you feel equipped to navigate life’s challenges without becoming submerged by them. It’s about learning how to manage your bucket so that it rarely, if ever, overflows.
Does This Sound Like You?
Are you tired of feeling like you’re constantly running on empty? Do you recognise yourself in the descriptions of the ‘Be Perfect’ or ‘Be Strong’ drivers? Do you long for a sense of calm and a feeling of being in control of your own life again?
If so, please know that you’ve already taken the first step by reading this and acknowledging how you feel. The next step is reaching out. You don’t have to continue carrying this weight alone. Change is possible, and I am here to help you find your way through. If this article has resonated with you, please get in touch to see how I can help.
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