Mike Drabble

Tag: PAC model

  • Lost at Sea: Navigating the Storm of Feeling Out of Control

    As an experienced integrative counsellor, I’ve sat with countless individuals who, at some point, have uttered the quiet, often whispered words: “I just feel like I’m losing control.” It’s a feeling that can creep up on us, subtle at first, until it amplifies into a deafening roar, leaving us feeling adrift and overwhelmed. If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve felt this way too, and I want you to know you’re not alone.

    The Unsettling Grip of Being Out of Control

    Imagine you’re on a journey, driving your own car. You’re in the driver’s seat, steering, choosing your route, deciding when to stop and when to accelerate. Life, at its best, feels a bit like that. But when you feel out of control, it’s as if someone else has taken the wheel, or worse, you’re in the back seat and the driver is nowhere to be seen. You might feel like a passenger in your own life, buffeted by circumstances, unable to influence the direction or speed.

    This feeling isn’t just a fleeting emotion; it can permeate every aspect of our existence. It can manifest as a constant sense of anxiety, a gnawing worry about what might happen next, or a profound sadness about what feels like a lack of agency. You might find yourself constantly second-guessing your decisions, feeling paralysed by indecision, or even spiralling into a state of hopelessness.

    How Feeling Out of Control Affects Us

    The impact of feeling out of control can be far-reaching and deeply unsettling, touching our minds, bodies, and relationships.

    On our minds: When we feel out of control, our thoughts can become chaotic and repetitive. We might find ourselves replaying past events, catastrophising about the future, or struggling to concentrate on the present. It’s like our inner “Adult” voice – the part of us that processes information logically and makes sensible decisions – gets drowned out. Instead, a more anxious or critical “Parent” voice might take over, telling us we’re not good enough, or that we’re failing. Or perhaps an overwhelmed “Child” part of us surfaces, feeling helpless and scared, yearning for someone to take charge. This internal tug-of-war can lead to a pervasive sense of unease, irritability, and even panic attacks.

    On our bodies: Our bodies are incredibly responsive to our emotional states. When we feel out of control, our nervous system can go into overdrive, preparing us for a perceived threat. This ‘fight or flight’ response can lead to physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle tension, digestive issues, sleep disturbances, and a constant feeling of exhaustion. It’s as if our body is screaming for us to regain a sense of safety and predictability.

    On our relationships: The strain of feeling out of control can also ripple through our relationships. We might withdraw from loved ones, feeling too overwhelmed to connect. We might become more irritable or reactive, lashing out at those closest to us. Conversely, we might become overly dependent, constantly seeking reassurance from others, or trying to control situations and people around us in an attempt to regain a sense of stability. This can create distance and tension, leaving both us and those we care about feeling misunderstood and unsupported.

    The Roots of Feeling Out of Control

    So, why do we sometimes find ourselves feeling this way? The reasons are as varied as the individuals experiencing them, but some common threads often emerge.

    Life’s Curveballs: Sometimes, it’s simply the unexpected challenges that life throws our way: a sudden job loss, a significant relationship breakdown, a health crisis, or the overwhelming responsibilities of caring for others. These events can genuinely feel out of our hands, and the sheer force of them can knock us off balance.

    Past Experiences: Often, the roots of feeling out of control run deeper, stemming from our early experiences. If, as children, we grew up in environments where our needs weren’t consistently met, or where we felt unheard and powerless, we might have developed a “life script” – a kind of unconscious blueprint – that tells us we’re not truly in charge of our own destiny. Perhaps we learned that our efforts were futile, or that the world was an unpredictable and unsafe place. These early learnings can lead us to develop coping mechanisms that, while helpful at the time, might now be hindering our ability to feel competent and in control as adults. For example, some might develop an overly critical inner “Parent” who constantly tells them they aren’t good enough, leading to a fear of taking risks and feeling even more out of control when things don’t go perfectly. Others might have a strong “Adapted Child” part that believes they must please others to feel safe, leading to a loss of personal boundaries and a feeling of being pulled in many directions.

    Unmet Needs: At a fundamental level, feeling out of control can also signal unmet needs. We all have core psychological needs for security, belonging, significance, and autonomy. When these needs are consistently overlooked or frustrated, either by external circumstances or our own internal patterns, a sense of powerlessness can set in.

    How Counselling Can Help You Reclaim the Reins

    The good news is that feeling out of control doesn’t have to be a permanent state. Counselling offers a safe, confidential space where you can explore these feelings without judgment and begin to understand their origins.

    Through our work together, we can:

    • Identify Your Inner Voices: We’ll gently explore those different “parts” of you – your inner Adult, Parent, and Child. By understanding how these parts interact, you can begin to strengthen your Adult voice, empowering you to make conscious choices and respond to challenges more effectively, rather than reacting from old, ingrained patterns. We can learn to soothe the anxious “Child” and challenge the critical “Parent,” bringing a sense of internal harmony.
    • Unpack Your Life Script: We can shine a light on any unconscious “life scripts” that might be holding you back, helping you to rewrite them in a way that serves you better. This means identifying old beliefs and patterns that keep you feeling stuck and replacing them with more empowering ones.
    • Develop Coping Strategies: We’ll equip you with practical tools and strategies to manage anxiety, stress, and overwhelm in the moment. This might involve mindfulness techniques to anchor you in the present, or assertiveness skills to help you establish healthy boundaries.
    • Process Difficult Experiences: We’ll create a supportive environment for you to process any past experiences that might be contributing to your current feelings of powerlessness, helping you to release their grip and move forward.
    • Cultivate Self-Compassion: Crucially, counselling is about fostering self-compassion. It’s about recognising that you’re doing your best and that it’s okay to feel vulnerable. By treating yourself with kindness and understanding, you can build resilience and a stronger sense of self-worth, which are essential for feeling more in control of your life.

    My approach is integrative, meaning I draw on various therapeutic tools and insights to tailor our work to your unique needs. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but the common thread is always to empower you to understand yourself better and to discover your own inner resources for navigating life’s challenges.

    Does This Sound Like You?

    If reading this has resonated with you, if you find yourself nodding along, feeling seen and understood, then perhaps it’s time to take that first step towards regaining your sense of control. You don’t have to navigate this storm alone.

    Please get in touch to see how I can help. You can reach out through this website: Contact Me. Taking that first step can feel daunting, but it’s a powerful act of self-care. I look forward to hearing from you.

  • The Unseen Weight of Worry: Understanding and Overcoming Excessive Anxiety

    As an experienced integrative counsellor, I often meet people who feel like they’re carrying a heavy, invisible weight. They’re exhausted, on edge, and their world seems to be shrinking. This weight, more often than not, is the burden of excessive anxiety. It’s a feeling that goes beyond the normal, everyday worries that we all experience. It’s a persistent, often overwhelming, sense of apprehension that can cast a long shadow over every aspect of life.

    In this article, I want to talk to you about this kind of anxiety. I want to help you understand what it is, how it might be affecting you, and to let you know that you don’t have to carry this weight alone. There is a path towards feeling lighter, and it often begins with a simple conversation.

    What is Excessive Anxiety?

    We all feel anxious from time to time. A job interview, a first date, a big life change – these are all situations where a certain level of anxiety is a natural and even helpful response. It’s our body’s in-built alarm system, preparing us to face a challenge.

    But for some of us, this alarm system becomes faulty. It starts ringing for no apparent reason, or the alarm is far too loud for the situation. This is what we mean by excessive anxiety. It’s when worry becomes your constant companion, whispering tales of catastrophe and what-ifs, even in moments of peace. It’s when you feel a persistent sense of dread that is out of proportion to the actual challenges you face. This isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that you’ve been strong for too long, carrying a burden that has become too heavy.

    How Can It Affect Us? A Ripple Effect Through Your Life

    Excessive anxiety isn’t just a feeling in your mind; it’s a full-body experience that can ripple out and touch every corner of your life.

    Physically, you might be all too familiar with the racing heart, the tight chest, or the churning stomach. Perhaps you experience frequent headaches, muscle tension, or find it impossible to get a restful night’s sleep. Your body is in a constant state of high alert, and over time, this can be utterly draining, leaving you feeling fatigued and run down.

    Psychologically, the impact can be just as profound. You might find it difficult to concentrate, as your mind is always elsewhere, caught in a loop of worry. Decision-making can feel impossible, and you might constantly second-guess yourself. Irritability is common too; when you’re on edge all the time, it’s easy to snap at those you love. For some, it can feel like their mind has turned against them, a relentless critic pointing out every potential pitfall.

    Socially, anxiety can be incredibly isolating. You might start to avoid situations that you fear will trigger your anxiety – social gatherings, work meetings, or even a trip to the supermarket. Your world can begin to shrink as you retreat from the very connections that could offer you comfort and support. Friendships and relationships can become strained as you pull away, not because you want to, but because the fear feels too great.

    How Can Counselling Help? A Space to Unload the Weight

    This is where counselling can make a real difference. It offers you a confidential, non-judgmental space to explore your anxieties with someone who is trained to listen and to help. As an integrative counsellor, I don’t believe in a ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach. I draw on a range of therapeutic ideas to tailor the support to you and your unique experiences.

    One of the approaches I find particularly helpful is Transactional Analysis (TA). Don’t be put off by the name; the core ideas are actually very straightforward and incredibly insightful. TA helps us to understand the different parts of our personality. We all have a ‘Parent’ part of us, which holds the messages and beliefs we absorbed from our caregivers. We have a ‘Child’ part, which holds our feelings, creativity, and memories of our early experiences. And we have an ‘Adult’ part, which is our rational, here-and-now self.

    Sometimes, our anxiety can be linked to a critical or overprotective ‘Parent’ voice in our heads, constantly telling us we’re not good enough or that the world is a dangerous place. Or it might be a scared or rebellious ‘Child’ part that is reacting to past experiences. In our sessions, we can start to untangle these different parts of you. We can give a voice to the scared ‘Child’ and begin to challenge the unhelpful messages from the ‘Parent’. The goal is to strengthen your ‘Adult’ self, so you can respond to situations in the present moment, rather than being driven by old patterns and fears.

    By understanding where your anxiety comes from, we can start to develop new, healthier ways of coping. We’ll work together to build your self-awareness, challenge the negative thought patterns that fuel your anxiety, and develop practical strategies to manage the physical symptoms. It’s about empowering you to become your own internal counsellor, equipped with the tools to navigate life’s challenges with greater calm and confidence.

    How Can We Recognise That We Are Overanxious?

    It can be easy to dismiss our own struggles, to tell ourselves to “just get on with it.” But recognising the signs of excessive anxiety is the first step towards getting the support you deserve. Ask yourself:

    • Do you find yourself worrying constantly, about a wide range of things?
    • Do you feel restless, on edge, or unable to relax?
    • Are you easily tired and struggle with sleep?
    • Do you experience physical symptoms like a racing heart, sweating, or stomach problems?
    • Do you find it hard to concentrate or find your mind goes blank?
    • Are you irritable or more snappy than usual?
    • Have you started to avoid situations or people because of your anxiety?
    • Do you have a sense of impending doom or a feeling that something bad is about to happen?

    If several of these resonate with you, it’s a sign that anxiety might be having a significant impact on your life.

    Does This Sound Like You?

    Reading this article might have felt familiar, perhaps uncomfortably so. If you’ve recognised yourself in these words, please know that you are not alone, and you don’t have to continue to struggle in silence. Taking the step to seek counselling can feel daunting, but it is a courageous act of self-care. It’s an investment in your well-being and your future.

    If you are ready to start your journey towards a calmer, more fulfilling life, I invite you to get in touch. We can arrange a confidential, no-obligation chat to see how I can help you.

    Contact Me