As an experienced integrative counsellor, I’ve sat with countless individuals who, at some point, have uttered the quiet, often whispered words: “I just feel like I’m losing control.” It’s a feeling that can creep up on us, subtle at first, until it amplifies into a deafening roar, leaving us feeling adrift and overwhelmed. If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve felt this way too, and I want you to know you’re not alone.
The Unsettling Grip of Being Out of Control
Imagine you’re on a journey, driving your own car. You’re in the driver’s seat, steering, choosing your route, deciding when to stop and when to accelerate. Life, at its best, feels a bit like that. But when you feel out of control, it’s as if someone else has taken the wheel, or worse, you’re in the back seat and the driver is nowhere to be seen. You might feel like a passenger in your own life, buffeted by circumstances, unable to influence the direction or speed.
This feeling isn’t just a fleeting emotion; it can permeate every aspect of our existence. It can manifest as a constant sense of anxiety, a gnawing worry about what might happen next, or a profound sadness about what feels like a lack of agency. You might find yourself constantly second-guessing your decisions, feeling paralysed by indecision, or even spiralling into a state of hopelessness.
How Feeling Out of Control Affects Us
The impact of feeling out of control can be far-reaching and deeply unsettling, touching our minds, bodies, and relationships.
On our minds: When we feel out of control, our thoughts can become chaotic and repetitive. We might find ourselves replaying past events, catastrophising about the future, or struggling to concentrate on the present. It’s like our inner “Adult” voice – the part of us that processes information logically and makes sensible decisions – gets drowned out. Instead, a more anxious or critical “Parent” voice might take over, telling us we’re not good enough, or that we’re failing. Or perhaps an overwhelmed “Child” part of us surfaces, feeling helpless and scared, yearning for someone to take charge. This internal tug-of-war can lead to a pervasive sense of unease, irritability, and even panic attacks.
On our bodies: Our bodies are incredibly responsive to our emotional states. When we feel out of control, our nervous system can go into overdrive, preparing us for a perceived threat. This ‘fight or flight’ response can lead to physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle tension, digestive issues, sleep disturbances, and a constant feeling of exhaustion. It’s as if our body is screaming for us to regain a sense of safety and predictability.
On our relationships: The strain of feeling out of control can also ripple through our relationships. We might withdraw from loved ones, feeling too overwhelmed to connect. We might become more irritable or reactive, lashing out at those closest to us. Conversely, we might become overly dependent, constantly seeking reassurance from others, or trying to control situations and people around us in an attempt to regain a sense of stability. This can create distance and tension, leaving both us and those we care about feeling misunderstood and unsupported.
The Roots of Feeling Out of Control
So, why do we sometimes find ourselves feeling this way? The reasons are as varied as the individuals experiencing them, but some common threads often emerge.
Life’s Curveballs: Sometimes, it’s simply the unexpected challenges that life throws our way: a sudden job loss, a significant relationship breakdown, a health crisis, or the overwhelming responsibilities of caring for others. These events can genuinely feel out of our hands, and the sheer force of them can knock us off balance.
Past Experiences: Often, the roots of feeling out of control run deeper, stemming from our early experiences. If, as children, we grew up in environments where our needs weren’t consistently met, or where we felt unheard and powerless, we might have developed a “life script” – a kind of unconscious blueprint – that tells us we’re not truly in charge of our own destiny. Perhaps we learned that our efforts were futile, or that the world was an unpredictable and unsafe place. These early learnings can lead us to develop coping mechanisms that, while helpful at the time, might now be hindering our ability to feel competent and in control as adults. For example, some might develop an overly critical inner “Parent” who constantly tells them they aren’t good enough, leading to a fear of taking risks and feeling even more out of control when things don’t go perfectly. Others might have a strong “Adapted Child” part that believes they must please others to feel safe, leading to a loss of personal boundaries and a feeling of being pulled in many directions.
Unmet Needs: At a fundamental level, feeling out of control can also signal unmet needs. We all have core psychological needs for security, belonging, significance, and autonomy. When these needs are consistently overlooked or frustrated, either by external circumstances or our own internal patterns, a sense of powerlessness can set in.
How Counselling Can Help You Reclaim the Reins
The good news is that feeling out of control doesn’t have to be a permanent state. Counselling offers a safe, confidential space where you can explore these feelings without judgment and begin to understand their origins.
Through our work together, we can:
- Identify Your Inner Voices: We’ll gently explore those different “parts” of you – your inner Adult, Parent, and Child. By understanding how these parts interact, you can begin to strengthen your Adult voice, empowering you to make conscious choices and respond to challenges more effectively, rather than reacting from old, ingrained patterns. We can learn to soothe the anxious “Child” and challenge the critical “Parent,” bringing a sense of internal harmony.
- Unpack Your Life Script: We can shine a light on any unconscious “life scripts” that might be holding you back, helping you to rewrite them in a way that serves you better. This means identifying old beliefs and patterns that keep you feeling stuck and replacing them with more empowering ones.
- Develop Coping Strategies: We’ll equip you with practical tools and strategies to manage anxiety, stress, and overwhelm in the moment. This might involve mindfulness techniques to anchor you in the present, or assertiveness skills to help you establish healthy boundaries.
- Process Difficult Experiences: We’ll create a supportive environment for you to process any past experiences that might be contributing to your current feelings of powerlessness, helping you to release their grip and move forward.
- Cultivate Self-Compassion: Crucially, counselling is about fostering self-compassion. It’s about recognising that you’re doing your best and that it’s okay to feel vulnerable. By treating yourself with kindness and understanding, you can build resilience and a stronger sense of self-worth, which are essential for feeling more in control of your life.
My approach is integrative, meaning I draw on various therapeutic tools and insights to tailor our work to your unique needs. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but the common thread is always to empower you to understand yourself better and to discover your own inner resources for navigating life’s challenges.
Does This Sound Like You?
If reading this has resonated with you, if you find yourself nodding along, feeling seen and understood, then perhaps it’s time to take that first step towards regaining your sense of control. You don’t have to navigate this storm alone.
Please get in touch to see how I can help. You can reach out through this website: Contact Me. Taking that first step can feel daunting, but it’s a powerful act of self-care. I look forward to hearing from you.
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