Mike Drabble

Tag: overwhelm

  • Lost at Sea: Navigating the Storm of Feeling Out of Control

    As an experienced integrative counsellor, I’ve sat with countless individuals who, at some point, have uttered the quiet, often whispered words: “I just feel like I’m losing control.” It’s a feeling that can creep up on us, subtle at first, until it amplifies into a deafening roar, leaving us feeling adrift and overwhelmed. If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve felt this way too, and I want you to know you’re not alone.

    The Unsettling Grip of Being Out of Control

    Imagine you’re on a journey, driving your own car. You’re in the driver’s seat, steering, choosing your route, deciding when to stop and when to accelerate. Life, at its best, feels a bit like that. But when you feel out of control, it’s as if someone else has taken the wheel, or worse, you’re in the back seat and the driver is nowhere to be seen. You might feel like a passenger in your own life, buffeted by circumstances, unable to influence the direction or speed.

    This feeling isn’t just a fleeting emotion; it can permeate every aspect of our existence. It can manifest as a constant sense of anxiety, a gnawing worry about what might happen next, or a profound sadness about what feels like a lack of agency. You might find yourself constantly second-guessing your decisions, feeling paralysed by indecision, or even spiralling into a state of hopelessness.

    How Feeling Out of Control Affects Us

    The impact of feeling out of control can be far-reaching and deeply unsettling, touching our minds, bodies, and relationships.

    On our minds: When we feel out of control, our thoughts can become chaotic and repetitive. We might find ourselves replaying past events, catastrophising about the future, or struggling to concentrate on the present. It’s like our inner “Adult” voice – the part of us that processes information logically and makes sensible decisions – gets drowned out. Instead, a more anxious or critical “Parent” voice might take over, telling us we’re not good enough, or that we’re failing. Or perhaps an overwhelmed “Child” part of us surfaces, feeling helpless and scared, yearning for someone to take charge. This internal tug-of-war can lead to a pervasive sense of unease, irritability, and even panic attacks.

    On our bodies: Our bodies are incredibly responsive to our emotional states. When we feel out of control, our nervous system can go into overdrive, preparing us for a perceived threat. This ‘fight or flight’ response can lead to physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle tension, digestive issues, sleep disturbances, and a constant feeling of exhaustion. It’s as if our body is screaming for us to regain a sense of safety and predictability.

    On our relationships: The strain of feeling out of control can also ripple through our relationships. We might withdraw from loved ones, feeling too overwhelmed to connect. We might become more irritable or reactive, lashing out at those closest to us. Conversely, we might become overly dependent, constantly seeking reassurance from others, or trying to control situations and people around us in an attempt to regain a sense of stability. This can create distance and tension, leaving both us and those we care about feeling misunderstood and unsupported.

    The Roots of Feeling Out of Control

    So, why do we sometimes find ourselves feeling this way? The reasons are as varied as the individuals experiencing them, but some common threads often emerge.

    Life’s Curveballs: Sometimes, it’s simply the unexpected challenges that life throws our way: a sudden job loss, a significant relationship breakdown, a health crisis, or the overwhelming responsibilities of caring for others. These events can genuinely feel out of our hands, and the sheer force of them can knock us off balance.

    Past Experiences: Often, the roots of feeling out of control run deeper, stemming from our early experiences. If, as children, we grew up in environments where our needs weren’t consistently met, or where we felt unheard and powerless, we might have developed a “life script” – a kind of unconscious blueprint – that tells us we’re not truly in charge of our own destiny. Perhaps we learned that our efforts were futile, or that the world was an unpredictable and unsafe place. These early learnings can lead us to develop coping mechanisms that, while helpful at the time, might now be hindering our ability to feel competent and in control as adults. For example, some might develop an overly critical inner “Parent” who constantly tells them they aren’t good enough, leading to a fear of taking risks and feeling even more out of control when things don’t go perfectly. Others might have a strong “Adapted Child” part that believes they must please others to feel safe, leading to a loss of personal boundaries and a feeling of being pulled in many directions.

    Unmet Needs: At a fundamental level, feeling out of control can also signal unmet needs. We all have core psychological needs for security, belonging, significance, and autonomy. When these needs are consistently overlooked or frustrated, either by external circumstances or our own internal patterns, a sense of powerlessness can set in.

    How Counselling Can Help You Reclaim the Reins

    The good news is that feeling out of control doesn’t have to be a permanent state. Counselling offers a safe, confidential space where you can explore these feelings without judgment and begin to understand their origins.

    Through our work together, we can:

    • Identify Your Inner Voices: We’ll gently explore those different “parts” of you – your inner Adult, Parent, and Child. By understanding how these parts interact, you can begin to strengthen your Adult voice, empowering you to make conscious choices and respond to challenges more effectively, rather than reacting from old, ingrained patterns. We can learn to soothe the anxious “Child” and challenge the critical “Parent,” bringing a sense of internal harmony.
    • Unpack Your Life Script: We can shine a light on any unconscious “life scripts” that might be holding you back, helping you to rewrite them in a way that serves you better. This means identifying old beliefs and patterns that keep you feeling stuck and replacing them with more empowering ones.
    • Develop Coping Strategies: We’ll equip you with practical tools and strategies to manage anxiety, stress, and overwhelm in the moment. This might involve mindfulness techniques to anchor you in the present, or assertiveness skills to help you establish healthy boundaries.
    • Process Difficult Experiences: We’ll create a supportive environment for you to process any past experiences that might be contributing to your current feelings of powerlessness, helping you to release their grip and move forward.
    • Cultivate Self-Compassion: Crucially, counselling is about fostering self-compassion. It’s about recognising that you’re doing your best and that it’s okay to feel vulnerable. By treating yourself with kindness and understanding, you can build resilience and a stronger sense of self-worth, which are essential for feeling more in control of your life.

    My approach is integrative, meaning I draw on various therapeutic tools and insights to tailor our work to your unique needs. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but the common thread is always to empower you to understand yourself better and to discover your own inner resources for navigating life’s challenges.

    Does This Sound Like You?

    If reading this has resonated with you, if you find yourself nodding along, feeling seen and understood, then perhaps it’s time to take that first step towards regaining your sense of control. You don’t have to navigate this storm alone.

    Please get in touch to see how I can help. You can reach out through this website: Contact Me. Taking that first step can feel daunting, but it’s a powerful act of self-care. I look forward to hearing from you.

  • Feeling Overwhelmed? You’re Not Alone, and There Is a Way Through.

    It often starts subtly. A nagging feeling that you’re running a race you can’t win. The to-do list that never seems to shrink, but instead multiplies overnight. The constant hum of pressure in the background of your mind. Then, one day, you wake up and it’s no longer a hum; it’s a roar. You feel submerged, as though you’re treading water with no land in sight, and every small task feels like a ten-tonne weight.

    This is the feeling of being overwhelmed. It’s more than just being busy or stressed; it’s a pervasive sense of ‘too much’ that can colour your entire world in shades of grey. If this sounds familiar, I want you to take a slow, deep breath and know one thing for certain: you are not failing, and you are not alone. As an integrative counsellor with many years of experience, I have sat with countless individuals who have described this very feeling. It’s a deeply human response to the pressures of modern life, and it’s a sign that something needs to change.

    This article is for you. It’s an invitation to understand what’s happening when you feel this way, to see how it might be affecting you, and to discover that there is a path back to feeling capable, calm, and in control. This is a space for you to feel seen.

    The Domino Effect: How Overwhelm Impacts Your Life

    When we’re chronically overwhelmed, it’s like trying to run our entire operating system with too many tabs open. Eventually, the whole system starts to slow down, glitch, and crash. This isn’t just a feeling; it has real and tangible effects on almost every aspect of our lives.

    Your Mental and Emotional World

    First and foremost, your emotional wellbeing takes a significant hit. Constant overwhelm is a breeding ground for anxiety. You might find yourself caught in loops of ‘what if?’ thinking, catastrophising about dropping one of the many balls you’re juggling. Your mood can plummet, not necessarily into a deep depression, but into a persistent state of flatness where joy and pleasure feel distant. Irritability is another common companion; you might find yourself snapping at your partner or feeling impatient with your children, which only adds a layer of guilt to the already heavy load. A profound sense of failure or inadequacy can set in, leaving you wondering how everyone else seems to be coping when you’re struggling so much.

    Your Physical Health

    Our minds and bodies are not separate entities; they are in constant conversation. When your mind is screaming ‘too much!’, your body listens. The stress hormone cortisol can flood your system, keeping you in a state of high alert. This can make sleep feel impossible – you might lie awake for hours with a racing mind, or wake up repeatedly throughout the night, only to feel utterly exhausted when the alarm clock rings. This exhaustion isn’t just tiredness; it’s a bone-deep weariness that no amount of coffee can fix. You may also notice physical symptoms like tension headaches, a clenched jaw, digestive problems, or a weakened immune system that leaves you susceptible to every cold going around. This is your body telling you it’s had enough.

    Your Relationships and Social Life

    When you’re overwhelmed, your capacity for connection shrinks. It takes energy to be present with loved ones, to listen, to engage, to be patient. When that energy is already depleted, you might find yourself withdrawing. You might cancel plans with friends because the thought of socialising feels like another demand. At home, you may feel disconnected from your partner, leading to misunderstandings and arguments. You’re physically present, but your mind is a million miles away, scrolling through that endless to-do list. This withdrawal can create a painful cycle: the less you connect, the more isolated you feel, and the more overwhelming everything becomes.

    Your Work and Daily Functioning

    At work, the very place that might be contributing to your stress, your performance can suffer. Your ability to focus and concentrate evaporates. You might read the same email five times and still not take it in. Procrastination becomes a key coping strategy – the tasks feel so monumental that you can’t even begin. This often leads to working longer hours to catch up, which only fuels the cycle of exhaustion and overwhelm. The things you used to enjoy, whether a hobby or simply reading a book, can start to feel like chores you don’t have the energy for.

    Untangling the Knots: What Causes This Feeling of Overwhelm?

    So, why does this happen? Often, it’s not one single thing but a gradual accumulation. I like to think of it as a ‘life bucket’. Throughout our lives, this bucket gets filled with various stressors.

    Some are big, obvious things: a bereavement, a divorce, moving house, losing a job, or a serious illness. These are like large stones dropped into the bucket, causing the water level to rise dramatically. Then there are the medium-sized, ongoing pressures: a demanding job, financial worries, caring for children or elderly parents, navigating a difficult relationship. These are the pebbles that steadily fill the space. Finally, there are the daily hassles: the commute, the household chores, the constant stream of emails and notifications. This is the sand that fills in all the gaps, until one day, a single extra grain is enough to make the bucket overflow.

    However, the size of our bucket and how we manage what’s in it is also shaped by our personal history and the unwritten rules we live by. This is something we often explore in counselling, and it’s a key idea from a therapeutic approach called Transactional Analysis. In simple terms, from a very young age, we receive messages from our family, our teachers, and society about how we ‘should’ be. We internalise these messages and they become powerful, unconscious ‘drivers’ of our behaviour.

    Do any of these sound familiar?

    • The ‘Be Perfect’ Driver: This is the inner voice that tells you anything less than 100% is a failure. You feel you must have the perfect career, the perfect home, be the perfect parent, and look perfect while doing it all. The pressure to maintain this impossible standard is a direct route to burnout.
    • The ‘Please Others’ Driver: This voice insists that your needs come last. You find it incredibly difficult to say ‘no’ because you don’t want to let anyone down. You end up taking on everyone else’s problems and responsibilities, leaving no room for your own.
    • The ‘Be Strong’ Driver: This is the belief that you must handle everything yourself and that showing vulnerability or asking for help is a sign of weakness. You bottle up your feelings and soldier on, even when you are crumbling on the inside.
    • The ‘Hurry Up’ Driver: This creates a constant sense of urgency. You feel you should always be busy, always be productive. You rush from one task to the next, never allowing yourself a moment to rest and recharge. Downtime feels lazy and unproductive.
    • The ‘Try Hard’ Driver: This voice values effort above all else. You believe that if you just try a little bit harder, you’ll finally get on top of things. The problem is, the finish line keeps moving, and you just end up exhausted from the sheer effort of trying.

    These internal drivers aren’t inherently bad – they can motivate us to achieve great things. But when they are too rigid and too dominant, they become a recipe for chronic overwhelm. They force us to keep filling our bucket while preventing us from ever taking anything out or simply putting the bucket down for a rest.

    How I Can Help: Finding a Path Back to Yourself

    If you’re reading this and nodding along, please know that you do not have to untangle these knots on your own. Counselling offers a unique space to do this work, and my role as an integrative counsellor is to be your guide and collaborator on that journey. ‘Integrative’ simply means that I draw on a range of therapeutic ideas and techniques, including Transactional Analysis, to create an approach that is tailored specifically to you.

    1. A Space to Breathe First and foremost, the counselling room is a confidential and non-judgmental space where you can finally stop. You can put down the heavy bucket. You can speak honestly about how you’re feeling without any fear of being judged or being told to ‘just get on with it’. For many, this simple act of being truly heard is the first, crucial step towards relief.

    2. Connecting the Dots Together My approach is not about me giving you advice or telling you what to do. It’s about working together to understand your unique experience. We’ll look at what’s in your ‘life bucket’ right now, but we’ll also gently explore where some of those internal ‘rules’ or drivers came from. By understanding the ‘why’ behind your feelings of overwhelm, we can begin to loosen their grip. We make the unconscious conscious, which gives you the power of choice.

    3. Gently Re-writing the Rules Once we’ve identified some of your powerful drivers – that ‘Be Perfect’ or ‘Be Strong’ voice – we can start to question them. Is this rule still serving you? Is it realistic? Is it kind? We can then work on developing new, more compassionate and flexible permissions. For example, giving yourself permission to be ‘good enough’ instead of perfect. Permission to rest. Permission to say ‘no’. Permission to ask for help. This is where real, lasting change happens. You learn to become your own supportive inner coach, rather than your own harshest critic.

    4. Building Your Personal Toolkit Counselling is not just about insight; it’s also about practical change. We will work together to build a toolkit of strategies that work for you. This might include:

    • Learning to set healthy boundaries: Saying ‘no’ clearly and kindly, protecting your time and energy.
    • Developing self-compassion: Learning to treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend.
    • Finding effective coping strategies: Discovering what truly helps you to de-stress and recharge, whether that’s mindfulness, exercise, creative pursuits, or simply scheduling unscheduled time into your diary.
    • Communicating your needs: Learning how to ask for what you need from the people in your life, whether at home or at work.

    The goal is not to create a life free of stress – that’s impossible. The goal is to build your resilience and self-awareness so that you feel equipped to navigate life’s challenges without becoming submerged by them. It’s about learning how to manage your bucket so that it rarely, if ever, overflows.

    Does This Sound Like You?

    Are you tired of feeling like you’re constantly running on empty? Do you recognise yourself in the descriptions of the ‘Be Perfect’ or ‘Be Strong’ drivers? Do you long for a sense of calm and a feeling of being in control of your own life again?

    If so, please know that you’ve already taken the first step by reading this and acknowledging how you feel. The next step is reaching out. You don’t have to continue carrying this weight alone. Change is possible, and I am here to help you find your way through. If this article has resonated with you, please get in touch to see how I can help.